moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
