I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
