my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
she told me i tasted like america
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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