I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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