Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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