Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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