haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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