just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
