I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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