don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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