if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
