Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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