Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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