I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
