Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
is it fun? or sober?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
