Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
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