What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
