After last night, I could never be a politician.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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