I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I yelled at your uterus for you.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
