Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Randomize
