I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
