Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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