My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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