Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Randomize
