i already hear my dad disowning me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
We talked him into tasing himself.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
