my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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