I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Randomize
