Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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