Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
