the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
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He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
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just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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