you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
