I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
