She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
