it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
