Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
