Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
