just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
