so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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