I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
