I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
