my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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