Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
