apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
