I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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