Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
