I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
