Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
