Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
