closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
