i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
