Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
