So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
