If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
