My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
