i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
