just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
