So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
