I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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