so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
